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I have to admit that as I grow older some of my habits have become little obsessions and obsessions are not the kind of things you can easily get rid of....to be honest, they are things I just don’t want to get rid of.
Let’s take for example my pillows. I have two and they are MINE, I don’t want to share one pillow, I need my two pillows or else I can’t sleep...or maybe I can, but they are mine.
(Yes, I know he can bring his own pillow, but what if it means he will stay longer than I wish? I really don’t want that)
My side of the bed, same thing! Why should I change sides if I love sleeping where I sleep? (Oh! so he sleeps on the right side of his bed, too? Then, go home and sleep there LOL)
At this point you might think I’m a witch, and perhaps I am, so refrain from reading what comes next because there is a huge chance you prove yourself right ha ha ha.
It took me a long time to learn I don’t have to please others all the time to make them happy if by doing so I am not. I used to have this crazy idea that people wouldn’t love me if I dared to contradict them. I was so afraid of being alone that many times I did things I didn’t want to do, or said things I didn’t mean or feel. The thing is that those who were meant to go away did it anyway, and there was nothing I could do to make them stay; hence, pleasing others for the sake of not being alone doesn’t work at all.
This fact brings me to the person I am today, my own special creation.
I met this guy long time ago, nice person I must say. Romantic, considerate, sweet. So far so good, right? Wait! let me re-read what I wrote...ermmm I must have said: way too romantic, annoyingly considerate and extremely cloying (not to mention hyper emotional)
Nice eyes, though.
Let’s go over one of our conversations:
(Situation 1: A Wednesday morning, we were going to spend the morning together and have lunch, but he couldn’t come)
Ringggg Ringgggg
Me: Hello?
Him: Hi, sniff.
Me: Hey. What’s wrong?
Him: I’m so sad I couldn’t go today.
Me: Well, don’t worry. We have many Wednesdays ahead.
Him: I know, but I feel miserable. I really wanted to see you. sniff. Aren’t you sad?
Me: Well, I’m not sad. I understand you couldn’t make it today.
Him: You aren’t? Oh, but I thought.... Why are you so mean with me?
Me: Uh?
I wasn’t mean. I wasn’t even rude! I was honest, which is not the same. What should I have said? Ohhhh baby, I’m so sad! I can’t live another minute without you!! I’m not a liar (as a matter of fact, it was great he didn’t come since I had so many things to do in the middle of the week)
I don’t want to be polite if politeness leads to give wrong expectations. I don’t need to answer questions I didn’t want to be asked in first place, and which put me at the edge of rudeness. Say what you want, but don’t ask me to replay. Please?
Help me here by choosing the correct answer::
1) I miss you. Do you miss me?
A) No (which makes me a bitch)
B) Yes (which makes me a liar)
C) I haven’t thought about it (which is a clear message I don’t have an answer)
D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)
2) I love you. Do you love me?
A) Not at all (which makes me a bitch, but an honest one)
B) Yes (which makes me a liar)
C) I haven’t thought about it (which is a clear message I don’t)
D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)
3) I planned to spend the WHOLE weekend with you, what do you think?
A) In your dreams! (I have a life, go get one for yourself. I need some rest)
B) Yes, I’d love it (lie, I will call it off later)
C) Well, not the 3 days. I’ve already made plans with my friends for Friday (which is true, though too devastating for him)
D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)
4) From 0 to 10, how much do you love me? Miss me? Need me?
A) Well, let me think....... (any number but 10 will hurt him)
B) I think 5 (bring his pills)
C) I don’t think in terms of numbers (good excuse!)
D) Why on earth are you asking this girlie question? (which means I won’t answer a question that even a teenager wouldn’t ask. Grow up, ok?)
(Situation 2. Friday night. I’m having a great time with my friends who I haven’t seen in months!)
SMS 1: I’m thinking of you. (cute! Kiss)
SMS 2: I’m happy you are having a great time. (thanks, I really need my friends)
SMS 3: I miss you. I wanted to be with you. (we will be together tomorrow)
SMS 4: I wish you were here with me, but you preferred your friends :( (no answer)
SMS 5: WoW! You must be very entertained. Why don’t you answer? (because I’m with my friends and it is not polite to spend all my time with them answering your text messages)
SMS 6: I only wanted to be alone with you ok?. Sorry if that bothers you. (your behavior bothers me even more)
SMS 7: You don’t love me, do you? (no answer)
SMS 8: I think you didn’t get my previous txt. You don’t love me, do you? (I don’t)
SMS 9: You are so cruel!! (and you are so....)
SMS 10: so? What do you mean? (no answer, I’m not rude)
Some days after we broke up, he called me to say that many women would be thankful to have someone like him around. He also said he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to appreciate that the fact of having him in my life was a gift and I should be thankful. Shame on me!!
Should I answer?
First, I’m 40. I provide for my kids, I work more than 50 hours a week. I pay my bills (or not, but they are my bills). I clean my house and I cook. I’m educated, good friend, good person and not too ugly. People should be thankful for having met me! LOL
I’m sweet, romantic and considerate if I don’t get 1000 stupid text messages from a whining guy on a Friday night!
Why is it so wrong to act according to my will and not according to the others? Why if I don’t want to share my pillow, or if I don’t want to lie just to make others happy. Saying “I love you” is such a huge thing, and I only say it if I feel it.
It shouldn’t be so knotty, but it is. Being with someone again at my age to avoid loneliness could be a pain in the....neck.
By the way, I won’t try to escape solitude anymore. Being alone is so good sometimes..... However in my heart I know that one day the right one will come to my life, and that day I will give him my pillows, my side of the bed and my whole life. It's a matter of time.
38 thought(s):
Querida Ani,
I was reading your post and thinking precisely what I was going to write, but then... you said it all: he was not the one (you'll notice when he arrives), you're sweet, you're romantic, you’re very pretty and NO, you’re NOT a witch!!!
A big kiss,
Carlos
Ok Ok, maybe just a little witch, but a lovely one! LOL Thank you for being always such a good friend :)
Amazing conversation and clearly this guy is incapable of having a relationship only with himself. I'm always amazed at the depth of stuper people sink into and out of touch with reality they are, you wonder how it happened and become convinced they can't dig themselves out. I believe relationships are collective growth between two souls that eventually merge into one...how beautiful, how simple yet so difficult for an ego run amock...thank you...
I agree with you Kuan now. I wish I had seen this before. Thanks for coming :)
interesting thoughts. i remember a song that says something about living alone... "i would rather live alone honestly than..." (i will have to find the song to finish that thought). i have lived alone for the last 10 years and i am not set in my ways...as long as i get to do what i want to do when i want to do it : )
thanks for the comment on my little blog.
tony thank you so much for your comment. Find the song and share it with me, will you? Kiss
Gracias por visitar mi blog y gracias por comentario. También tu blog me gusta porque tiene cosas interesantes.
Saludos desde Granada, España
Saludos: Cas_orla
Great to meet you a Analia
i am 43 too we are all here for you, no matter what , when we meet or greet,,,,,
laricap gracias a ti por regresarme la visita. Siempre es un placer recibir nuevas amistades :)
sapna: Great to meet you too! Thanks for your beautiful words. Very touching :)
mi amiga, te leo y me reflejo en tus letras..
A mi se me complica mucho esto mi amiga. Te dejo miles de abrazos y un enorme beso, te ayudo pensando en ti, deseando que encuentres la luz que buscas en tu camino..
besitos amiga!!! Lomejor para ti y los tuyos..
Lo que me ha costado leer esto(tendrías que darme un premio, jejeje)
Bueno Anie, no sé sie ntendí todo, cualquier cosa lo vuelvo a leer o me busco un traductor. Vaya niña que escribe en inglés!!!!!!!!!
Pasate por mi mundo, hay algo que te va a gustar, en el sidebar, arriba, lado derecho.
besos, te quiero
Pichu
...(hoy extraño mucho nuestra tierra)...
Vuelve Vero, aqui tienes una casita y un abrazo siempre mi amiga
Mine amigaza, gracias por estar siempre aqui :) No sabes lo bien que me hace.
Intimacy.....Touch.....The sense of other senses and senses shared....Needs and no needs....Warm presences and cold presences.....The morning light and shared breakfasts on trays...
These days, I sometimes think that all I have left is a big, 2-yr-old bed, with 4 bed pillows, 2 big ones to prop up for reading & TV watching, the old bedside tables and the old lamps, other evidence of a life that was lived then stopped. And that's it.
And other times, these days, I think back through it all - London, Paris, Lisbon, in theri own times which have almost zero to do with today and get a glimpse through honest eyes that I have, in the end, brought little good with too much missing, to any one of those 3 women.
In the past week, first Auds, then within half an hour Ruth & you came looking for me (No, you are not the 3 women!!). Ruth is on to something, but you others and the other old blog-world friends over the past weeks have come, as if you have you heard a silent call, like my spirit is calling out to you without me knowing.
So I think the only solution is to pack my bags from woophy and come home, back to the Flames of Eden. It is time now. Something has happened to me, something serious and woophy is no longer the place to deal with it on the internet. i need the intimacy again to deal with this.
This is just an announcement, as I have not moved back into the Flames yet. But you will find out. And be prepared - the news is not great, I am sorry to have to say.
I loved it that Ruth found me on woophy, and you visited "Flames" at the very same time. If you go there now, you will get the same feeling easily that something is not right.
Hasta muy breve, SXXXXXXXXX
Hi Analia! Thanks for your comment on Blogtrotter, now in Kos, Greece! It was great to read you there. Interesting post. Great to read!
Wish you a great weekend!
As I read through your message I thought I read the discoveries of a disappointed woman. Not bad, just closed. :) Then I read the last paragraph and know that you are fine. When you are NOT in love, it is perfectly OK to enjoy all the things that you do - and when you ARE in love, you do what you will as it will be a different situation and a different you.
By the way, I've done things my way for a long time. Being lonely when you are by yourself is lonely - but believe me it is a great deal better than being lonely in a couple. That is a desolate land.
hey Analia ur a strong, sexy, smart, beautiful, sensible, friendly, lovely woman...thats all that matters to me. And rem age is just a number. :) HUGS U ROCK!
btw I know of guys who can be suffocating us with affection lol! Im single and Im happy :) so r u, yeyyyy!
Keshi.
Icarus, my dearest friend, who knows what mysteries make us, the four of us, have this bond and this amazing telepathy to call each other without words...but we are friends and that is more than a good explanation. I'll be waiting for you in the Flames of Eden, I'll be waiting for the good or the bad news...friends understand. I do.
Love, Ani.
gmg, Greece? wow that must be so beautiful! Thank you so much for your visit here, it's always a gift to see old friends come back.
Keshi, the girl to call when I'm feeling down LOL Thanks for your compliments!! I'll repeat your words once and again until I finally understand that people can see me better than I do. xoxoxoxo
Isadora, I couldn't agree more with you. For that reason I'll stay alone until the right guy comes to my life. Thanks for your words :)
Absolutely, pillows are holy objects.
It tooks 2 week the get accustomed to my girlfriend's ones in her holiday house.
People can kill for a pillow...!
:D
Fab
Thanks Fab! I knew you would understand LOL
Kisses sweety
Simply loved this one Analia...lol
No witches round here only goddesses....lol
Be happy xxx Auds
thats true..ppl can see ya better than u urself!
now come n collect ur award in my blog :)
Keshi.
Awwwww Keshi!!! so sweet. Thanks!!!
it has been over a year since i have visited your blogs
wow
i love my pillow
and even tho i am constantly mvoing adn switching sleeping quarters i LOVE my PIllow
lol
hmmm about the whole Love thing
I dunno
the right one, is within you
you make it possible, and real
Thanks Nachman and Kafo, your comments are both very appreciated. Kiss!
There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience ...
and your conscience is clear.
Keep smiling, singing and dancing dear sister
Love & hugs
Rx
Ruth, my friend. That's true. I was really hoping to see you here in my home. Hugssss and Kissesssss
Hello Dear! So good to read your humorous post! I hope that you & the pillows have all of the company that you need ( or don't need!).
Kisses & hugs :)
nikon!!!! sweety, do you want my pillow?? LOL Oops suddenly I felt like sharing. Behave Ani, behave!!
Kisss
I've taken to sleeping in the middle of 5 (FIVE) piilows...well, 4 and a large old cushion. I sleep in a setting that is somewhere between the Last Emperor and an upmarket kind of vagrant (there are still a few concealed cardboard boxes in the room from the last move, over 18 months ago, as there is nowhere else for them to go). Or the bridge of a ship ploughing through nights that never last long enough.
Ruth's proverb is so brilliant, isn't it?
Kisses!!
It is, my friend, it is indeed. Kisses my dear friend Icarus
ana :) how are you??? thanks a lot for your concern..im fine..how are you?? it's been a long time i abandoned my blog..i just dont have the heart to write anymore :) may be one day :)
email me at linda.muliana@gmail.com
we can keep in touch regularly :)
regards,
linda
Linda!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so happy to know about you :) I'll be in touch.
Oh how I laughed and laughed. We men are not all so wining wingers. Must read it again.
Eddie Bluelights
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